Ten year retrospective

Recently I wondered about myself ten years ago. What did I dream I would be doing now? How have my life and dreams changed since then, and how are they the same?

This exercise helped me to realize that in the grand scheme of things, I’m very much the same. Sure, I’m older, less in shape, and less likely to party all night, but I still value the same things I did ten years ago. I continue to surround myself with people with a penchant for kindness and humor. I enjoy the outdoors, traveling, reading, and writing. I regularly try to make my friends and family laugh, and I dream of seeing the world and writing a novel.

I urge everyone to think about their life in this way. It helped me to realize that I can easily deal with the daily grind so long as I make time for these important things!

Shellfish challenge!

My fiancé, M, and I are going to Thailand in three months. We consume every blog post, travel site, book chapter and cooking article available. The main theme, aside from Buddhism and beaches, is shrimp. Shrimp stew. Shrimp broth. Shrimp kabobs. Shrimp-I-can’t-pronounce-it-but-it-looks-delicious. While this may seem intriguing to most, it is alarming to us. You see, M is allergic to shellfish.

The conversation following this discovery went something like this:

“We can learn how to say the words for shellfish.” I say.

“Thai is tonal,” M reminds me.

“We’ll just learn how to pronounce the word for shellfish.”

“Menus aren’t written down. And even if they are, they don’t typically cite “shellfish stew” or “shellfish cakes”.”

“We’ll learn to read all the words…for every type of shellfish.” I grit my teeth.

”There is shellfish that we’ve never even heard of in Thailand.”

I am stumped. “Shit. Don’t panic. Let’s pause before panic.” I silently panic. “I know! We can make little cards that we carry around with us.”

“Like a diabetic?” M is dubious.

“Yes! Like a diabetic! We can carry business-sized cards that have a visual image of a shellfish. And we can put a X over it, or a slash through it. Like the no smoking signs where a cigarette is slashed and encircled in red. That has to be universal. Right?”

M stares at me.

“And we could even post a photo of a man. Maybe even a picture of you? A picture of you. Maybe you choking. On shellfish.”

“Let me get this straight. You think we should carry around a business card with photos of me choking on shellfish?”

M is right. Suddenly I envision myself drinking from a bowl of noodles, commenting how the broth tastes wonderful…familiar even…like a soup I’ve had once before. Just as M slurps down his soup, I recognize bits of scallops between my teeth. “Noo-ooo!!!!” I yell in slow motion as I slap an empty bowl from his hand and he drops to the ground in asphyxiation.

But I digress. The real issue is that we need to find a solution, and we need to find it quick.

“Can’t you take a test to see if you’re still allergic? When was the last time you ate shellfish?” M does some research. It was 20 years ago. He calls the doctor and starts the testing.

“First, we’ll conduct a scratch test. Should your arm swell, we know you’re allergic. Should it not, we’ll take a blood test.” The doctor is optimistic. First test, no swelling. Next up: blood test.

M texts me. “The blood test is negative! SHELLFISH CHALLENGE!”

M’s shellfish challenge commences at 8:30 am tomorrow. We bought shrimp cocktail for the affair. (We bought in bulk. If M is rushed to the emergency room because his throat closes, I might be hungry in the waiting room.) M will sit with a handful of fourth graders, also determining if they are allergic to shellfish, and eat shrimp every half hour for four hours. Should all go well, M will survive, our trip will be a breeze, and a fourth grader won’t puke shrimp on him. Wish us luck!

Solar powered tanning booths

Discuss.

Coywolf is the new liger

A large animal walked on the creek path in front of me a few days ago. I was on my bike, and the animal was 10 or 15 yards ahead of me. I slowed down to determine what it was.

Was it a deer? No, not a deer. It was tall, but it didn’t walk like a deer.

A dog? No. Not a dog. It had the head of a dog, and the tail of a dog. But it was bigger than a dog.

Was it…a deer-dog? No, no. Not a deer-dog. The hoof-paw thing wouldn’t work.

I yelled as another biker approached. The animal turned and walked back into the woods. It was a coyote.

I pedaled home, recalling Elizabeth Royte’s Outside magazine article about a coyote attack on a human in Canada and the increased evidence of coyotes and wolves mating. The wolf in these hybrids allows them to take down larger prey (e.g. deer), and the coyote lets them live alongside humans (e.g. on the creek path near my work).

I researched more at home.  It was true. We now live in an era of coywolves. Coywolves are the offspring of female coyotes and male wolves, and they help ecosystems by reviving areas where wolves have long been absent.

First there are ligers, and now there are coywolves?

I am not arguing the animal I saw was a coywolf. It was not. I just hope that nature’s next animal hybrid focuses on non-threatening animals, like a sheep and lamb or a squirrel and weasel. And if that does happen, I’m coining it now: shambs and squeasels.

Questions to ask at your next job interview

1. Do I have to sit in a cubicle?

If yes, continue to question 2.

If no, continue to question 3.

2. Do you have anything other than a cubicle?

If yes, continue to question 3.

If no, politely thank the employer for his or her time and leave.

3. What is the vacation policy?

If less vacation time than sick time is granted, see question 4.

If more vacation time than sick time is granted, see question 6.

4. How strict is the sick time policy?

If you need a doctor’s note, see question 5.

If you do not need a doctor’s note, see question 6.

5. What is an acceptable doctor’s note?

If a handwritten note by someone who may or may not be a doctor is acceptable, see question 6.

If a handwritten note by  someone who may or may not be a doctor is unacceptable, politely thank the employer for his or her time and leave.

6. When can I start?

Today is International Women’s Day

To learn about the social, political, and economic gains of women, check out the International Women’s Day site.

If you’re looking for something on the lighter side, check out Susan Schorn’s hilarious article on McSweeney’s or Elissa Bassist’s list of funny articles written by women on The Rumpus.

For the vegans

Add one part shrimp milk to two parts beef cereal. Enjoy!

A dash of satire

For immediate release

In an effort to penetrate a growing voting bloc, and in response to China’s PR mess with Mr. Gay China, the U.S. government is repealing its Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell policy and implementing a new task force assigned to reach out to under-served gay communities in countries where it has a political or economic interest. Intelligence suggests that gay populations in these countries are unhappy with their state’s stance on their lifestyle, and are therefore willing to trade secrets of their government. The first of the elite force will begin training in Provincetown, MA, a small community on the tip of Cape Cod.

Potato leek soup for a cold winter night

What’s better than reading a book by a fireplace on a cold, snowy night? Reading a cookbook by a gas stove in preparation for your next meal! Building on Mark Bittman’s recipe in How to Cook Everything, I enriched this soup with a bit of butter, flour, and garlic. (If you don’t have a Bittman cookbook in your kitchen, I suggest you add one or two to your next holiday wish list. You won’t be disappointed.)

Ingredients

• Leeks (1-2) – When purchasing leeks, be sure the green ends are stiff and the roots are not withered.
• Waxy potatoes (4-5) – I used red potatoes for their flavor and texture.
• Garlic (3 cloves) – If garlic is bruised or brown, don’t use it. If there are green sprouts, you can still use it but some people don’t like the taste. It might be slightly bitter.
• Chicken broth (4 c) – I use Better than Bouillon. It’s easier than boiling a chicken, tastes better than stock in a box, and stores well in the fridge.
• Butter (3T)
• Half & Half (1/2 c)
• Flour (2T)
• Salt & Pepper to taste

Directions

1. Chop 1 and 1/2 cups of leeks (green and white parts).
2. Peel and dice potatoes.
3. Crush garlic.
4. Make chicken broth.
5. In a saucepan large enough to hold the broth and the veggies, melt 1 T butter over medium heat.
6. Saute veggies for 2-3 minutes, or until soft. Salt the veggies.
7. Add garlic. Cook for 1 minute.
8. Pour warmed chicken broth into the pan. Simmer for 3-4 minutes.
9. Slowly stir in ½ and ½. Simmer for another 1-2 minutes.
10. Pour the flour into a small bowl. Add small amounts of the broth to the flour (about 1-2 T). Stir quickly. Continue to add broth to the flour until a viscous paste forms. Return the paste to the soup and stir. (Do not attempt to add flour directly to the soup. It will clump together.)
11. Add 2 T butter to soup. Stir. Cover and keep over medium low heat for 20-30 minutes.
12. Add salt and pepper to taste.
13. Add chopped chives for garnish and flavor.

This will serve about four bowls of soup.